Thursday, March 20, 2014

Dirty Jane Welcomes Spring With a Sweet Deal


****Edited to add promo code

Just sayin'

Mother Nature has been quite a bitch and seems to have a death grip on winter. Now that it is March she is continuing top play with us and give us two nice riding days and then some crazy cold bullshit. The cycle has repeated it self several times in the past three weeks.  M. Nature has  introduced me to the coldest temps and impressive winds I have ever witnessed. Flexing her weather muscles, we are so at her mercy.  We would have a nice normal uneventful day followed by snow and ice and schools closed.  Way to go bitch, you served up a helluva winter.

We here at Dirty Jane would like to celebrate getting your ass off the couch and back on your bike where it belongs.  We have a super sweet deal to offer and we want you to take full advantage of it.  Dirty Jane is offering their signature PURPLE DirtyJane.com 3/4 th sleeve jersey by Royal Racing.  I did a review on  the white jersey and can attest to it's worthiness.  Read here.  I am currently awaiting delivery of my purple jersey and can't wait to rock it.





You can show the world you are a Dirty Jane too buy purchasing your own jersey.  For a limited time we are offering our regularly $45 priced jersey for $38! USE PROMO CODE FWinter. Offer is valid until April 15 2014.  After you receive your jersey send us a shot, post it to our FaceBook page and tag Dirty Jane so we see it. Then we will provide you with a discount for 15% off some more Dirty Jane goodies.

How can you not take advantage of this?  Fellas all you need to know is your gals shirt size and you could surprise her with one.  Purple is the new pink, it's an awesome shade coupled with black and some sweet detailing down the side.  She will love the 3/4th sleeve and the relaxed fit that frees her up to ride comfortably.

APPLICATIONS are still being accepted if you want to be a part of the Dirty Jane crew until March 31st.  You can find all that info here.  Good Luck!



Thursday, March 13, 2014

So, You Have Been Asked To Crew For An Endurance Racer....

 To be successful in long races one must have an awesome, kick ass support crew.  Meet Emma, volunteer extradorinaire and all around magnificent person.  She has been to two Dirty Kanza's as my support, both were successful finishes that I could not have done without her. Before you ask...SHE IS MINE, back off.  Of course I am bringing her to DK2014!  I  asked her to write this article to give you an idea of what it takes to be an excellent support person and how you, the rider, can make things better/easier for your support folks.
Emma has let me know she will happily provide answers to any questions in a follow-up blog, don't be shy, ask away.  Leave it in the comment section below.


Emma -total badass



When I was approached to write a blog post on how to be an effective, efficient ground crew, I wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. I have crewed for several different people and events over the last few years, each with their own trials and logistics issues. I have crewed at the Dirty Kanza, the OGRE, the MR340, and have staffed several wilderness checkpoints for adventure races. I was on my way out of the country for a couple of weeks, to volunteer for an expedition adventure race in Belize with my team Orange Lederhosen, and didn’t know exactly what facilities I’d have access too. After much thinking, and much more rum, I decided to approach this as I would anything else, with great organization and planning. Coincidentally, that is the cornerstone of being a good crew. The organization, not the rum. But the rum does help…

The first thing you need to know to be a great crew is Communication. Say it with me, COM-MUN-I-CA-TION. Without it, you won’t make it out of the damn parking lot. I started with phone calls and emails shortly after registration to see about the riders goals and intentions. As I usually crew for 3-5 riders, I need to make sure that from the get-go all of the riders have similar expectations on time and pace. If I am unable to accommodate their goals, I am honest and tell them that they are better off getting a crew that can help them reach their goal. I continue to keep in touch with the riders to see how the training is going and to let them know how the others I am assisting are doing as well. If at anytime anything changes, I am first to communicate how that will affect the others and myself. This is an ongoing process.



Use large totes to stay organized

Second thing is organization. The first thing I tell my riders as they are loading my truck for the race/ride is if at any time any of their things ends up loose in my truck, I cannot guarantee the safety of that item. I have really pissed off a few folks with that, but I am not their mama. I am there to make sure they ride the best race they can, not to wipe asses and clean up messes. Each rider has a bin of their very own, labeled with their name for simplicity. In that bin, I expect there to be bags of food items/hydration mixes labeled with the TA they want that bag at, any clothing for mid-race changes (a mid-race chamois change cannot be understated for morale), and any other sundry items such as layers shed during the day as the temperature warms, unused food stuffs, and spare parts/tubes that have been used. I usually have a common items bin for all my riders to use that has a floor pump, chain lube, and a sprayer for cleaning off mud and crud. I also ask if they would like a chair to sit in at the TA, although that seems to slow the riders down and makes them laze around the TA longer than they should.

Third thing is water transport. Having so many riders to supply means having a lot of water to haul. I like to use the 5 gal orange gatorade style jugs with the push spigot for refilling bottles and bladders. I also carry between 5-10 gal of water in plastic jugs for refilling the big jug. I also put 1 bag of ice in in the morning, and one at the midway point, keeping the water cool, but not cold enough to upset stomachs in the heat of the day. Coolers with gatorade/hydration mixes, extra bladders that have been frozen, and an extra bag of ice are also good. I usually limit those to 1 cooler per 2 people. Space restrictions and all.

Fourth is the little things. Chamois butt’r, ice socks for jerseys, sunscreen, sandwiches, lip balm, and any other creature comforts the riders want. I’ve been known to slap, shake, grab ass, kiss, fondle and otherwise harass the riders to get them moving when they don’t want to go. I have also thrown things and turned into a bitch on wheels when I have been disrespected. I understand that things may not go your way, but I am not here to bear the brunt of your shortcomings in bike care or failure to train. If you get pissy with me, just remember it’s a looooong way out without any support. And I will drop your ass like a hot rock if you abuse me.

On the other hand, It isn’t all about what the crew can do for the rider. The rider has a responsibility to the crew as well. Be an effective communicator. Crew cannot read minds, contrary to popular belief. Don’t leave maintenance for the last minute. Stress is the enemy. If making a list for what you need ready at each transition area works for you, do it. It helps the crew also. Make sure your gear, be it bike, boat, pack, or bin, is together in a way that makes sense. Put your nutrition into bags and label them. Have a couple extra water bottles that they can pre-fill for you with water or gatorade type stuff so you don’t need to wait. If you want something at the first TA, don’t bury it in the bottom of the crate. Don’t have your shit thrown all over the place. If you complain that the crew is too slow trying to get something for you, while digging thru a box that looks like a landfill, it pretty much gives the crew a free punch to your junk, just because you are being an asshole.

Be excellent to your crew and they will be awesome to you. Remember, they are human too. They are out in the sun, heat, wind, rain, hail, and tornadoes just like you. They wait patiently, unknowing if you are ok or dead on course. They will drive like hell if you want a sandwich or some other small morale booster, and still make it to the next TA on time to set up and be ready for you to resupply. They are hauling water and food and bins all day, loading and unloading and reloading again. Just to keep you happy and on track for your goals. Remember their day will be just as long and difficult as yours. Respect them. Love them. But not too much, because then it will be awkward. And buy them a beer afterwards. They would do the same for you.
Love,
Emma

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Throwback 2013

This is a little confusing... so bear with me.  One year ago I received an email from the nice folks at Blogger.  They told me that someone had flagged my blog and they decided I couldn't have it and they were taking it from me.  I went a little nuts, fired off several emails, and bitched about it to my husband. While fighting this battle I made another blog.  I would not be silenced.  So, APabstSmear2 was born.  There are only three posts as I was able to convince Blogger, in a relatively short time, that I would behave myself even though I didn't know what I did wrong and they couldn't tell me.  Crazy.

I was checking on it and noticed it still gets traffic.  Very cool.  I wanted to share a guest post written by THE Cory Redmond.  It's awesome.  Enjoy!








Lunatic on Wheels: The Story of a Princess Tomboy and Her Quest for Sanity and the Fountain of Youth
By Gory Dreadmond

When Sasha came to me and asked me if I would write about a piece about why a 40-year old woman rides her bike, I thought, "HECK YES!"
Writing and cycling!  Yays all around!

Then I thought...

Hmmmm...Why exactly DO I ride my bike?
I mean, I know I ride for the obvious benefits of fitness, health, and vanity, but did I have a deeper reason?
Not really.
I mean…YES!
Of course!
I ride my bike because I am an undiagnosed lunatic.
If I didn’t have bike riding as an outlet, I would lose my bleeping mind…cry a lot, eat my emotions, and possibly cause bodily damage to others.
I am forty (4-0) years old and started to feel really old and useless when I was 30 and pregnant.
In the middle of my pregnancy, I had an overwhelming urge to get back on the bike after a 16 or 17 year hiatus. 
I mean, I was never a bike racer or anything cool like that when I was a kid, but I rode everywhere and I rode long.

Once I became an adult, I was like those crabby-ass adults in the Frosted Mini-Wheats commercials…and I REALLY wanted to be the kid.
My then-husband took his Cannondale hybrid (He is 6’1” and I am 5’6” so that was a good option, yeah? No, it was not.) apart to get it ready for me to ride when the baby was born instead of getting my own bike that would actually fit and also be ride-able.  It stayed apart in pieces on the basement floor for another 18 months. I left.
I finally got back on the bike when I was 32; I felt 80.
My rather small A-cups were even saggy and my ass just sort of hung off my back and drooped to my leg tops.
(I paint a lovely picture, no?)

I wasn’t overweight at that time (though I had been many other times in my life), which is why the whole “ass situation” was even more disturbing. I always pretended like this did not bother me when in fact I was freaking right the fuck out.

I started riding and immediately, I became an asshole. 
I mean, it was pretty instantaneous as I rode my sweet assed 5-yr-old hand-me-down MTB around Forest Park like I was effing boss yelling , “LEFT!” and freaking the shit out of rollerbladers and baby-jogging mommies.
I was a dick. Actually, I was the second worst kind of dick (the worst being the garbage-dick variety. EWWWW!) because I didn’t even realize I was a dick. Yep; those are the second worst kinds of dicks. Believe that.

I eventually chilled the fuck out when I bought a road bike and got the hell out of the park.
That bike brought me back to my childhood and I would smile and giggle like a freak show as I rode along dodging giant SUV’s and soccer moms.
I became obsessed with riding.
It was all could talk about.

I felt exactly like those dudes who have a mid-life crisis and buy a canary yellow Corvette…except I was asshole enough to feel like my bean could give their tic-tac peens a run for the money.
(See what I mean? I am a dick. Still.)
When I was 36, I threw myself into cx racing and that was it.

Holy shit!
It was like being in Kindergarten AND in college at the same time!
I could play in mud (and it was encouraged) and they handed out cupcakes and booze!
If I would have discovered this when I was young, I wouldn’t have kids right now…
…or I would have 9 filthy kids because I would have been in a constant state of drunk and sugar-high and down for a party.
*shudders at thought*

Now that I am forty (4-fucking-zero), I have the wisdom/balance that I didn’t 
have a few years ago and have purchased a bike for everything (EVERYTHING) and have made them each into a “boyfriend”.
SCHWING!

Once I noticed the (free) benefits to my ass from cycling (like tone and lift), I started to use different bikes to work out different body parts.
I still have not figured out how to get bigger boobies while riding, but at least with MTB there is a downhill and they fall forward and look bigger in the race photos.
I ride my cx bike when I want to party or I want to suffer.
I ride my MTB when I want to clear my head, be at peace, or suffer.
I ride my road bike when I want to zone out, it’s raining, my friends are being pussies, I am injured, the sun is not up, or I want to mentally suffer and put things in perspective.

My bikes are sexy and constant.
Because I can mix it up, I am never bored.
They keep me from buying sports cars, liposuction, Botox, and vibrators.
Riding is the single thing that I do that doesn’t make my kids roll their eyes at me like I don’t get it. I get it.

I feel sexy, happy, and strong on my bike.
That last bit is a huge deal to a paper-pushing Ops geek whose most exciting thing some days is when a balance sheet comes together perfectly or MS Vista does not crash.

Why do I ride my bike at 40?
I am a post-menopausal, hormonal nightmare with a full-time job, a college kid about to turn 21 and a 10-year-old female child hitting puberty, two dogs who constantly hump each other, and an ugly minnow that we hoped was a tadpole but isn’t.
Why wouldn’t I ride my bike?
The better question is, why AREN’T you riding yours?

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Spandex Hell

I went to the bike shop a while back.  Most days I love going to the bike shop.  This was NOT one of those days.  Walking in I see my friend Brad working behind the counter, immediately I felt at ease.  He was just the person for this task. Over the five years we have known one another we have had many great bike chats. Brad has taken great care of the hubby and I…especially at the last minute.  One year he redid my front brake cables while I waited in the shop, it was the day before leaving for the Dirty Kanza 200.  I told him I have an amazing opportunity, Sorry… I can’t tell you  yet, coming up and I need to represent in the womens PRO cut kit. The look on his face said it all.  He knew this was going to be a challenge.  He was going to have to fit a square in a circle. Impossible?!



As nicely as he could he explained the challenges I was facing.  In case you don’t know me…. I am not built for a PRO cut kit. I am not ever going to be described as long and lean.  I have curves and muscles.  I think I am built more like a rugby player or a small football player.  These are my observations:  I have wider shoulders than most women.  My arms are also larger.  In addition, I have more than an average amount of boobage  that needs to be contained. Add in a set of good sized legs,  true to my German heritage, and there is my recipe for disaster.  So now that you get the picture you can understand the situation poor Brad was in. 

Brad took the time to go through the racks of Womens apparel and patiently handed me jerseys to try on. There were no comparable bibs or shorts to try so I would need to go by the measuring tape, Fuck!  NOT the way I wanted to approach this but my only alternative.  My measurements don’t make any sense, at least not to me.  (Since I am worried about my thighs fitting I plan to include my measurement) I have to admit that I was really unhappy while trying these jerseys on.  In real life I wear smalls and mediums.  Having to try on size XL and L and then seeing how they fit was kind of humiliating, maybe not the correct word.  It has taken me years to shed my former FAT LIFE and this little shopping trip was bringing it all back. I know… calm down.  (This trip was supposed to be fun)

No offense fella...Not how I want to look


Brad also showed me the sizing manual for the Womens kits, however the sizing measurements are completely different from the Canari brand kit I would be ordering.  It was helpful to see the manual since I was unable to try any shorts/bibs. From start to finish Brad spent about 30 minutes with me.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that. 

Later that evening Jim came home and asked me how things went at the shop.  He found me in the closet starting to tear up.  I told him of the kit sizing and he just re-iterated what Brad said.  “You know honey…you are not built like MOST women”.  I know he was trying to be nice, but he should have stopped there.  He continued on saying, “you have arms and boobs and big legs…..”  I am aware, thanks Babe.  I have the same parts as everyone else just in different proportions.  Yea, I get it. I still don’t feel  much better as he hugs me. This sucks! Going through this for the second time today has me a bit emotional and I cry.  After several moments pass I stop and come to my senses. 


While this experience truly sucked I got through it. It was not really any different than going shopping for any other outfit to wear.  I am noticing I can no longer buy apparel at Target or Penneys.  Their clothing is not designed to fit my body.  What fits around the waist and hips will not fit around my legs.  Or it fits everywhere but the arms and chest. Be that as it may, I have become very secure with my body over the years. I like how things are shaping up, even as I am about to turn 45. I am constantly amazed what it allows me to accomplish.
  
I ended up settling on a size Large jersey.  The PRO cut stuff is pretty snug.   I could see my ribs.  Also any extra skin I have….. anywhere.  This kit is definitely going to make me more accountable this year.     I have an amazing opportunity, that I can’t tell you about yet, coming up and I need to represent in a Womens PRO cut kit.  Since the day I visited the bike shop I have been working my tail off in the gym Since the day of this trip I have been working my tail off in the gym.  I have incorporated even more cardio, more weights, and rowing.


I think I can make my square a circle in the next few months.  I believe.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

F*ck You Kidney Stones

***Edited**



Pardon the title.  I am feeling a little jacked up from the pain meds.

This past Sunday was shaping up to be a very pretty day.  It's January and over 50 degrees in MO.  My daughter and I were planning on returning videos and taking a bike ride around the neighborhood. Around noon things went south, I took an Advil liqui-gel and hoped it would pass. Fuck!  The pain is  not stopping. Then it came to me..... I have felt this before. (First rodeo here)

I had made arrangements with a neighbor to watch Sydney and I would drive myself to Urgent Care, that was the plan anyway.  She needed to run to the store so I got myself ready to go.  I called Urgent Care and guess what?  They don't do kidney stones, they don't have to correct machines. Wonderful!  Guess I will have to go to the ER.  I didn't want my daughter to be frightened so I explained what was going on and showed her Kenny in the jar from last time.  She laughed and said "Ewww" and went of to read in her room.  I shut my door, put on my "special socks" and collapsed in absolute agony on my bed.



Within a matter of minutes I could feel myself absolutely falling apart.  The pain is excrusiating and you would do ANYTHING to make it stop. Everything is happening all at once. As the pain shoots throughout my body my eyes roll in the back of my head.  Fuck, I am going to throw up, I don't do that.  I stumbled running through the house to get to the back deck.  There was no way I was throwing up in the house, Jim can't clean it up so I would have had to.  The cold air felt good and bad at the same time.  I started taking off my clothes, I was sweating like it was 110 degrees.  I didn't want my neighbors to see me so I braced myself on the side of the house and climbed partially under the deck and puked in a hole. There was still some snow on the ground and it felt good to lay down in it.  I could not believe the pain, it's like you have no control to stop it.  Scary!  I started to cool down and stopped throwing up after about 5 minutes.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.




When my neighbor returned she was kind enough to take me to the ER and take care of my girl and feed her dinner. I entered the ER feeling better instantly noticing they were not busy. When I told the nurse why I was here she said " I am so glad you are not a man, they are the biggest whiners".  She brought me to room #16 .  Shortly after my arrival I met Dr. Mark and Angela, my nurse.  She took my blood and forced a shot of morphine on me.  I tried to refuse it but she insisted saying that Dr Mark ordered it and she had to give it to me.  I really didn't want it but I took it.  ( I was on a morphine drip for 6 days once, didn't care for it)  Admittedly, I started to feel better. 

My hubby, who had been gravel riding, showed up about ten minutes later. I breathed a sigh of relief.  He has seen me like this before so he's not too worried.  I am just glad I was not on that ride with him, can you imagine?  After a scan or three, it was determined......   What I thought was just a tender groin muscle is a kidney stone. Awesome!




 The stone is ready to launch at any time.  Oh, lucky me.  Dr. Mark said I had so many stones the techs  said "screw it and just put multiple".   Multiple is not an answer.  Jim and I convinced the nurse to count those bastards.  It was incredibly weird for me to look at my insides and see "stuff" that is not supposed to be there.  She counted, and counted and, counted.   Final tally was 15!  Can you fucking believe that?  I am in awe. Seriously?  Apparently I am doing something that is growing them.  Great!  It turns out I also was gifted a UTI by this jagged bastard. Double whammy, glad I caught it early. Seven days of antibiotics, ugh.  Not looking forward to the Hydrocodone either.  It makes me feel funny, not in a ha ha type of way.




Today is day FOUR!  I have really had enough you little bastard.  I will be wearing my 'special socks' all day.  Get out of my body! NOW!!   Let's compare you to your brother Kenny.

Kenny!  He is small but has hooks 


**Edit
I hopped on my trainer for about 45 minutes this afternoon, I pedaled as hard and as fast as the pain allowed.  I hopped on my foam roller and tried to roll it out, no dice.

Kona and Kinetic duo


Later that evening I gave the kids baths and tucked them in. Very happy when 9:54pm rolled around and Kris popped out! I could feel it, probably would have felt it more if I was a dude though.  I took a shot of him next to Kenny, the black dot.  As you can see they do not look alike.
Closeup

Kenny and Kris
 I have an appt. on Thursday to find out why all this craziness is happening.  Fourteen to go!
I took the last of my antibiotics and finally got a celebratory beer Sat night.

Actually... I AM WORTHY this time!