I have been working on my Burnin' race report the last couple days. The writing has not gone very well. It's not that I don't want to write it, because I do. I have been dealing with the "aftermath" and it hasn't been pretty. I don't understand the way I feel right now. I have been riding an emotional roller-coaster all week. After I am done writing this I hope to get off the coaster and be my old self again.
The last couple weeks have been amazing for me. Why on earth would I be depressed? I proved that a mountain biker CAN run, if she wants to. I achieved a goal and won a highly coveted belt buckle this past weekend. So, why do I feel like sh*t ? Why do I feel so sad and empty? I should be happy, right?
I remember racing Burnin' in 2009. This was my first 12 hr race. I was totally surprised when I won. I carried my buckle in my pocket during the day, and slipped it under my pillow at night. I kept it polished and dust free. I could look at it and smile so big my face hurt. It was an incredible feeling being up on the podium. Truth be told, I have been chasing that feeling for the past two years.
Usually, after a race, I am able to sit back and enjoy the warm fuzzy. Why is my chin scraping the ground? I was thrilled to receive my buckle. I had worked hard for it. Why did the thoughts of " what's next " hit me on the drive home? The dust on the trail had not even settled and I was already thinking of Burnin' 2012.
Have you ever felt this way ? How do I get myself outta this?