Riding Dirty, Sweaty, and Nakey

***** Notice!  You must be at least 18 to read this post.  If you are not of legal age, go somewhere else. Always remember, you don't have to read it.  Feel free to stop if you get bored or offended*******

Truth

I was thrilled to have scored a sitter for this past Thursday.  Who knew it would be the hottest fuggin' day of the year, EVER.  Missouri now has a new record for June 28th, it was 108 degrees.  I know now what it feels like to cook from the inside, similar to being in a microwave.   As I stood in Lost Valley's parking lot, I admitted to myself  that this ride was wrong on so many levels. Even so, today was going to be my first day O'dirt with my new Kona Big Unit.  I had him geared at 32x19, my favorite set up for this trail.

  He is not "blinged out" as I would prefer, it's nothing that a can of white spray paint won't fix.  I would like some white bars, white saddle, white cranks, and a white seat post.  So, drop me an email if you have any of that laying around and want to part with it.  Sorry, I digress.

One minute into my ride, I had sweat rolling like a river down my back.  Riding today was NOT a good idea. ( Now in a whining voice say)  " But, I wanna ride my bike today".  Most of the stars were in alignment, and I have been a good girl.  I was not going to let a little heat take away the good dirt lovin' time I was about to have.  I have been waiting for this all week.






  I was not being greedy.  I just wanted to get in a couple hours, a couple laps.  I have been on my cross bike too long. I wanted to play in the rocky areas, rip around a bit, and regain some confidence.  Speaking of rocks, WHOA there is a lot of rocks out there.   My Velocity Blunt SL's, tubeless baby, rolled right over, barely touching them. As a single speeder, it is imperative for me to keep my momentum. Those Velocity wheels are so amazing I barely have to pedal. 


By the time I was standing at the top of the downhill in, I reluctantly conceded that I would never be able to complete my goal of two laps.  I toyed with heading back to the car, head home, and hop on my fantastic trainer and be pissy the rest of the day. OR... I could just pedal until I couldn't pedal any more.  After all, I did have my helmet on in case I passed out and fell over.

First thing I noticed, a 32x20 would have been a better gear selection.  I had a 60oz. camelbak filled with ice and water on my back and a 24oz insulated bottle filled with ice and Gatorade.  That would be plenty of fluids, right?  Wow it's scorching, Crazy hot! I tell myself that I will be content to complete one lap. Today's weather felt like the DK should have.  


When temps reach this high, it takes a lot of energy for your body to just cool itself.  That means your pedaling will suffer, greatly.  I don't mind the sweating, as long as it stays out of my eyes.  The Halo works very well, and I had a Buff on to keep my head cool.  Breathing in hot, dusty air ( which has me coughing as I write this ) is not how I like to roll.  I start taking small sips of water every few minutes and indulge in the Gatorade when I stopped for breaks.  By mile five, I texted my hubby to let him know I was slowly dying out there, but would make it out alive. This was harder than I thought.   Other than that, I was having fun getting to know my Big Unit.

 Anyway, I hop on Face Book to report that it's incredibly hot, and that " It may be safe to ride naked in the woods.  I am the only one here".  Of course, I was the only one there.  Who else would be that foolishly insane?  What the hell was I doing out there?  I lay blame on being Irish/German and very stubborn.  Immediately after hitting send, I laid my bike against a tree and removed my helmet.

  I was soaked.  Clearly I was experiencing some form of heatstroke because I was actually toying with the idea of peeling off my clothes and continuing my ride.  I took off my jersey first.  AAAAHHHHH.  Much better.  I will ride sans jersey.  Out of nowhere, a little devil hopped on my left shoulder and said   " gone on, take 'em all off ".  Mind you, there is no one out here.  If by chance there is, I will deny everything and quickly ride away.  I took off my bike shorts and my sport bra.  I am really gonna do this.  Yay me.  I am glad there was not an audience, I have led a sheltered life and never ridden a bike naked. 

Bike is sweating

After securing my drenched kit on the bars, I replaced my helmet and was off.  I know, what a sight.  A perfectly sane 43 year old wife and mother riding her birthday present in her birthday suit.  It felt so incredible to be free and not really give a crap what anyone would think.   I quickly ascertained that a sweaty rear slides right off the saddle.  So, I had to put my shorts back on.  Boo, hiss.  No biggie, it was still cool to be " free- boobin' " down the trail.  I will caution those chica's who want to experience this first hand....  be prepared to see your boobs do some amazing tricks.  It's quite hysterical.  They truly have a mind of their own.  If you are large breasted, you may want to re-think this.  Trust me... you WILL get hit in the face.

NOT ME

Suzanne R. said it best, " How liberating".  Yeah, it was all that and more.  There was no one to stop me.  Would I have listened?  Probably not.  I mean, why the heck not?  We only live once. If you do it correctly, you will die a happy person.  I plan on dying a happy person.  No regrets.


The trail was, as expected, blisteringly dry, seriously loose, wicked dusty, etc.... By the grace of God, I finally reached the bottom of the climb out.  That left a mile or so to the car.  I so got this.  I put on my bra and jersey, they were bone dry. Extremely hot, but dry.  I hopped upon the Big Unit and started the climb.  Under normal circumstances, I would not have struggled.  Less than half way, I decided " screw this " and walked the remainder.  I reached the top and headed to the lot. I was exhausted and less than satisfied with the mileage. Notwithstanding, I rode my bike naked. Check that off my To Do list.  Within a couple minutes, I pass a lone ranger, outfitted entirely in black headed for the trail.   If he had been ten minutes earlier, he would have had a helluva story to tell his buddies. Would they have believed him? 

Reward time!

The morale of this story is to seize the moment.  Live your life.   Ride a bike naked, you won't regret it.  And everything is going to be OK.



I promise,
SASHA