Monday, December 17, 2012

Mommy's Little Helper

When life gets outta control I reach for "mommy's little helper". When I just can't take it anymore and I just want to feel better, I reach for mommy's little helper.  When things I can't control start to eat me alive I reach for.... You get the idea.  You can't blame me. And Don't judge me.  We all need an extra boost, a little something to take the edge off, you know.... sometimes. Well, I am not ashamed to admit it.  Today I needed help. I went out to the garage, opened the cabinet, reached in and grabbed the blue bottle.  It's the good stuff.  I grabbed a towel and headed back into the house.

The senseless tragedy in Sandy Hook hit me very hard.  Having two first graders under my roof might have had something to do with that. I don't watch the news however, I can't hide from this.  I am bound to see something on TV or FaceBook.   I stopped myself from crying all day, I'd catch myself and try to muscle through it.  I finally gave in. It was silly to fight it.  Just get it over with.

 I opened the blue bottle and lubed my chain.  I set up my trainer in the living room and secured my beautiful Kona to it.

Mommy's little helper

 Heavy metal music blared in my headphones.  It was hard getting started.  My heart felt so heavy. Right now, I did NOT feel like doing this. I began pedaling anyway.  I dealt with a range of emotions during the next hour. I felt angry at being absolutely powerless. I felt extreme sadness, not being able to even imagine what it would feel like if I lost a child.  The endless questions followed.  Why did this have to happen? How do I explain this to my kids?   How am I supposed to make sense of nonsense? Questions that I still don't really have answers to. No one was home so I got to cry and cuss too. As I pedaled off the hour, I begin to feel better, like I had released some of my sadness.

My bike has saved my life and sanity more than once.  My two wheeler's have put so many smiles on my face and have helped me deal with life's bullshit along the way. For that I am incredibly grateful.   While I cannot fix this situation, nor can I wrap my head around it..... I have to be able to deal with it, deal with the emotions I have about it.  Riding my bike has helped me through many tough situations so I know I can depend on it again this time. Bikes kick ass, don't they?

1 comment:

  1. Our parents had it much easier...feed the kid rerun tv from the 60s on TBS ... it a whole new animal now.