I am familiar with rage. We have a past. I recall the tell-tale signs. Recently, the signs have resurfaced. Fighting IT was not an option. I have opened the door, invited IT inside, offered IT a seat, have told IT my plans. How I am going to use IT. Remembering my past turns my stomach. IT has made me make a lot of mistakes. IT has made me handle a few situations wrong, seriously wrong. IT is not an emotion I am comfortable with or proud of. Frankly, IT scares me how out of control IT makes me feel. I can't forget IT. I can't get away from IT. Everywhere I turn, there is a trigger, a reminder. I have to deal with IT. I have begun to feel as if the smallest thing will send me into a tizzy. I stopped throwing tizzies seven years ago. IT has to go.
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It's important to tell you, IT has lessened. Anger has taken its place. Anger has proved to be quite a motivator. Anger has motivated me right into personal training sessions with my son, a few days a week. He enjoys putting me through the ringer. Trevor is helping me improve upon my beast for Burnin'. It's unfortunate that Burnin' at The Bluff will be the only mtb race I do this year. Hell, Go Big or Go Home right? ( Or, do I just go to ride a bit and get drunk?) For now, I might as well use the anger to my advantage. I have thrown anger into my workouts and the results have been good. Anger has enabled me to pedal faster, run faster, to lift more weight. It feels incredible to take a 10lb sledge hammer to a truck tire. It also feels good to punch the crap out of a black bag. Minutes tick off, I start to feel better, I start to let it go. I focus on the task at hand. His "Twenty minutes in hell" session was delightful. I will be going back for more of those.
I have communicated with my spouse exactly what I need and how I will be dealing with IT. " My bike will save my life, again. Make sure I ride it often." He may not get it, he can't fix it. All he needs to understand is, when I say I need a bike ride or a run, I NEED IT! He knows I will leave with one look on my face and return with another that is way more appealing. He said " You look like a different person" after I returned from a bike ride. Of course I did. I just had therapy.
The circumstances for my rage will not be disclosed here. I know I usually share everything with you but, this time it's not only about me. There are innocent people involved that don't need their bullshit spread on the internet. It's not for me to put out there. Thank you in advance for not asking.